Can I get a side of crazy with that?

May is turning out to be insane.

It's no excuse to not keep up with the blog, but I just realized I said the end of April was almost here in my last post and we're in the second week of May. I promised progress pics and I'm not holding out, I just haven't had time. I know more excuses, but working out comes before a photo shoot and if I can't even get to the gym then you know I'm not setting up for pics.

I knew this would happen sooner or later. I had too good of a run living a semi normal life. As you all might have guessed my job is fairly demanding. It's always been too demanding no matter where I've worked, but it's the career path I've stuck with and I have to try to make everything work as best I can.

Sometimes I forget what exhaustion feels like. I know what tired is and sore, but exhaustion is something I forget about. It gets me depressed. When I don't have enough energy to even eat I know things are out of control.

It's been this way for about 2 weeks, hence why no blog postings. It sounds like I'm complaining and maybe in a small way I am, but mostly it's just because I'm down on myself because I can't get my body to perform the way I want to.

I know I've written posts before about motivation. A lot of people have asked me how I haven't fallen into a rut and how I've kept a constant loss the entire time I've been training. The simple answer is I love working out. I really do love it. I can see how someone who has put up a mental block against exercise would have trouble, but I don't really see working out as something I HAVE to do. I WANT to do it to. The problem is your body will tell you when too much is just too much. Usually it will get sick, least mine seems to do that when I push myself way too hard. It's almost like it's way of forcing me to slow down.

The bad part about exhaustion is I fight a mental battle with a physical one. Tonight, for example, I was all ready. I wrote out my plan for the gym, weights, reps, exercises, time. Everything all set - I was dressed I was hydrated and my metabolism had previously been primed and you know what my body wouldn't move. I just had to lay down, my legs were a 1,000 lbs. I got really upset over it because no matter how much my brain wanted to work out my body just wouldn't do it tonight.

Clint tried to tell me it's ok. He sees how frustrated I get when I don't get in a good workout. I feel like I do myself such a disservice when I don't use my body. He reminds me how hard I've been working, it's ok that I'm tired. I have after all worked an insane amount of hours and used a lot of energy just being creative for long periods of time. I know all of this is true, but not having control of my body feels like the worst thing in the world to me.

I'm very lucky to have a really supportive partner. Clint has been there every step. Every time I said I was feeling fat or sad about my progress. He's always encouraged me and told me how proud he is that I've stuck to something I felt was really important. He sees progress I don't see, he shows me changes in my figure and my strength. He's always love me no matter how I looked, but I think it's my determination he admires the most.

So tonight he reminded me that being tired is ok, that I'll recharge and be able to go to the gym another time. It makes times when I feel like this not so bad, and right now I do need that.

*****

This is going to be another rough week. Work is out of control and I'm leaving this Friday to fly out to Knoxville to watch my brother graduate from college. Seeing my brother is awesome it's the flying part I always have trouble with. I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people, my eating, sleeping and exercise will all be off and frankly my odds of a lowered immune system seem pretty high.

With all this I am still trying very hard to stay positive and focused.

I know this post doesn't sound it, but I am really happy with the progress I made in April (posted my updated stats on the side). I had a 2% loss in body fat which to me is another mountain, I'm so close to 15% now I hope by July I can reach that. I also am now able to do a real pull-up unassisted. A goal I had and didn't think I had reached yet, until Keith made me face the bar head on in our last April bootcamp class. I also bought a pair of jeans in a size 0! A goal I never had in the first place but proved to be the eye-opening discovery of the month. I also had to throw away all my underwear because none of it would stay on. It's the true testament to how much I've lost over the whole time I've been training.

I'm looking forward to bootcamp this week since it might be the only movement I get in for my trip. I am sad I'll be missing our Saturday circuit, but hopefully I can convince my brother to let me into the university gym - sort of stoked to show him what I can do I think it's been 2 years since I've seen him!

Haters gonna hate, walk proud

You can't always rely on others to motivate you or give you confidence. If you've made the decision to change your ways and start building a healthy lifestyle it has to be a personal choice. It's always great to know you have family and friends supporting you, even trying to help you reach the goals you set for yourself, but in the end you are the only person who can reach them.

Not all people are truly confident in themselves, it's hard because sometimes we feel it's being vain or boastful. Were taught not to be prideful, but there is a clear distinction between being proud of who you are and thinking you're some sort of god.

I've really had to learn to be proud of myself and not compare myself to others accomplishments. There is only one of me, therefore I can only compare achievements against what I've already done. If people stopped comparing themselves to others I think we'd all have a little more self confidence, especially when it comes to fitness!

Even I'm guilty of wanting to look like certain fitness models and I aspire to reach a point where I can bare all with a smile being completely happy in my skin. It's work and every day I get closer to NOT hating my body.

The reason I bring up self confidence today is because I've gotten my share or two of haters hating. Guys at the gym hassling me about weightlifting, people I work with telling me I'm crazy for getting up as early as I do to workout. Even friends who are generally interested in what I'm doing and how I'm changing my body are very quick to tell me that trying to get a six-pack is a pipe dream and I should just be happy that I'm not obese.

I want those washboard abs, that's something I want and if I actually listened to everyone who told me it was impossible or how miserable I was going to be not eating chocolate I'd never be as far as I am.

People are naturally resentful. Sounds a bit pessimistic, I agree, but I've found this to be fairly accurate. While others will be happy for you (or say so), they always compare to what they have or don't have. This is why some of my friends find it hard to stick with a workout routine or nutrition plan. Peer pressure drives them to think wanting to be healthy and look amazing and fit is vain. That you're not fun if you don't want to go binge drinking or lame for going to bed at 10pm.

I've turned down many things I knew might either lead me to unnecessary temptation OR put me in a position to be ridiculed. Reaching your goals is inspiring to most people, but the path is filled with rough spots.

You have to believe in yourself to be truly happy and healthy. It takes more time with some people and I've learned that it's okay to want to look good and feel great. Everyone on this planet should want that for themselves. It's pure choice, for most of us, that makes things otherwise.

So don't get discouraged if you can't bench as much as another member of your gym or if someone tells you you're crazy for giving up lattes. It's also really important to keep track of the mini milestones as well! Knowing you've gone 2 weeks without caffeine, or that you can do 3 more push-ups is just as important as finally losing that first 10lbs.

Never ever ever let anyone tell you, you CAN'T do something. Whatever it is. This doesn't just go for fitness, but everything in your life. If you listen to everyone (even yourself) say "you can't" you never will. That's why even though I can't do a pull-up on my own, I can do many assisted ones. The more I practice the closer I get. I know if I keep trying eventually I will, that's why I never give up.

Always try, the most important things are worth working for. And while I might have to remind myself every now and again, that I'm doing a good job I'll never lie and say it's easy.

Something to practice is for every flaw you think you have, counter your thought with a positive attribute about yourself. If I'm hating on my legs I try to think about how much I love my shoulders and then I try to have the best lower body workout and feel 1000 times better about everything.

You can't change everything about yourself in a split second, but with perseverance and confidence in yourself you will see change. This is coming from someone that had no self-esteem about a year ago. The more you work the better you feel and the stronger you become the more you want to achieve.

Take each day one at a time and try to do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Trust me, it gets easier :)