I need to get over my hangups.
Man, it's been a very rough May. I'm trying really hard to adjust to all the changes that have been happening, but it's all happening so fast my only reaction is stress.
I'm use to routine, I like having one. So when life gets super insane for me I have trouble dealing with no routine. Terri has been really great in reminding our bootcamp class that fitness is what helps you deal with all the craziness in your life. Using your body and treating it with respect is what gets your brain through really trying times.
I love hearing her say things like this because it helps me focus again. I wish I had a little recording of the great things she says some times so I could just play them to help focus me again. I try to hear her voice when I feel really down about myself or my day, she's the best source of triumph in my life. She's helped me over come so many barriers.
Still with all the great encouragement and mentoring I get I still have mental hangups I need to work on.
It's hard to think about yourself in a different light when you were a certain way for a very long time. I didn't like the way I looked for almost 6 years, so now that my body it changing I can get a little obsessed.
Case in point, it's hard to think about me loving my body in a bikini still. It's hard for me to think I could wear a certain style of clothing or be an inspiration to others working hard to meet their fitness goals too. My brain has yet to catch up to my body. Which is really quite strange for me.
Yesterday Clint and I went shopping. Both of us need new treads for this summer since it's FINALLY warm now. Because I have dressed a certain way for so long, summer clothing always intimidates me. I know I wrote a post a month or so ago about how fun it is for me to be able to try on clothing and like how I look in it. It's true, but there are still things I get unsure about because I just don't really wear them.
Skirts and short dresses are probably the thing that terrify me the most. I have this mental block about my legs I just cannot get over. My whole life it's plagued me, more then my midsection or my arms or face or anything. My legs and I do not get along.
I tried a skirt on yesterday, it was really cute. Something I'd probably see on someone else and fall in love with. The problem was I felt awkward in it, not because it was uncomfortable, but because my legs were so exposed. I just kept turning around and freaking out about all my still existing cellulite. I kept thinking to myself "Do I look ridiculous in this?"
I should of bought it, it would have been a really great step toward excepting myself, but I couldn't. Even after I had gone to the gym that morning and muscled through an extremely tough glute/leg workout, it wasn't enough to boost my self-confidence.
I know a lot of women out there have body issues of some kind. Even with all my hard work and learning I still have mine too. I just hope I can get over them because I really truly hate being paralyzed by fear and doubt. I don't like the way it makes me feel and I know I'm better and stronger then my fears, it's just my brain needs to catch up.
Maybe I'll go back tomorrow and try the skirt on again. I'll bring my positive thoughts and a little bit of Terri's strong encouraging words.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Finally Progress Pics!!!!
Hi everyone!! (That look of shock is I can't believe I'm finally taking pics LoL)So with this little picture experiment I've realized my camera really sucks. It's very old so I shouldn't be surprised, but that's why everything looks like it's out of an American Apparel ad.
It seems like the camera doesn't like to focus on things that aren't already fairly close to the lens, so I tried to get frontal full body shots as best I could.
Without help of another pair of hands getting more detailed back views were not happening right now. I will confirm in writing that my caboose is getting firmer and I'm actually noticing lift now. I still have a crease back there, but all those squats and lunges are paying off!The suit is fitting better then it did when I bought it in March. I can def see how my my shoulders are coming in. My abs are tighter and getting some definition toward the top, but as the hardest part of a 6-pack I still have a layer of fat over my lower abs.
I'm not too far off though, I'm fairly confident that by sticking to eating clean and keeping up with my routine I will see them eventually. I've been trying to get in jumping rope when I can.
Like I said, May has been insane and I've been "working" at the day job so much more that my training hasn't been 6 days a week. I'm just trying to keep a balance and make sure I get enough sleep so I don't end up getting sick from the added stress of all my extra hours.
Well that's it for now :) Least I'm making progress and that's all that matter, let's hope in another month or two I look even better!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Can I get a side of crazy with that?
May is turning out to be insane.
It's no excuse to not keep up with the blog, but I just realized I said the end of April was almost here in my last post and we're in the second week of May. I promised progress pics and I'm not holding out, I just haven't had time. I know more excuses, but working out comes before a photo shoot and if I can't even get to the gym then you know I'm not setting up for pics.
I knew this would happen sooner or later. I had too good of a run living a semi normal life. As you all might have guessed my job is fairly demanding. It's always been too demanding no matter where I've worked, but it's the career path I've stuck with and I have to try to make everything work as best I can.
Sometimes I forget what exhaustion feels like. I know what tired is and sore, but exhaustion is something I forget about. It gets me depressed. When I don't have enough energy to even eat I know things are out of control.
It's been this way for about 2 weeks, hence why no blog postings. It sounds like I'm complaining and maybe in a small way I am, but mostly it's just because I'm down on myself because I can't get my body to perform the way I want to.
I know I've written posts before about motivation. A lot of people have asked me how I haven't fallen into a rut and how I've kept a constant loss the entire time I've been training. The simple answer is I love working out. I really do love it. I can see how someone who has put up a mental block against exercise would have trouble, but I don't really see working out as something I HAVE to do. I WANT to do it to. The problem is your body will tell you when too much is just too much. Usually it will get sick, least mine seems to do that when I push myself way too hard. It's almost like it's way of forcing me to slow down.
The bad part about exhaustion is I fight a mental battle with a physical one. Tonight, for example, I was all ready. I wrote out my plan for the gym, weights, reps, exercises, time. Everything all set - I was dressed I was hydrated and my metabolism had previously been primed and you know what my body wouldn't move. I just had to lay down, my legs were a 1,000 lbs. I got really upset over it because no matter how much my brain wanted to work out my body just wouldn't do it tonight.
Clint tried to tell me it's ok. He sees how frustrated I get when I don't get in a good workout. I feel like I do myself such a disservice when I don't use my body. He reminds me how hard I've been working, it's ok that I'm tired. I have after all worked an insane amount of hours and used a lot of energy just being creative for long periods of time. I know all of this is true, but not having control of my body feels like the worst thing in the world to me.
I'm very lucky to have a really supportive partner. Clint has been there every step. Every time I said I was feeling fat or sad about my progress. He's always encouraged me and told me how proud he is that I've stuck to something I felt was really important. He sees progress I don't see, he shows me changes in my figure and my strength. He's always love me no matter how I looked, but I think it's my determination he admires the most.
So tonight he reminded me that being tired is ok, that I'll recharge and be able to go to the gym another time. It makes times when I feel like this not so bad, and right now I do need that.
*****
This is going to be another rough week. Work is out of control and I'm leaving this Friday to fly out to Knoxville to watch my brother graduate from college. Seeing my brother is awesome it's the flying part I always have trouble with. I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people, my eating, sleeping and exercise will all be off and frankly my odds of a lowered immune system seem pretty high.
With all this I am still trying very hard to stay positive and focused.
I know this post doesn't sound it, but I am really happy with the progress I made in April (posted my updated stats on the side). I had a 2% loss in body fat which to me is another mountain, I'm so close to 15% now I hope by July I can reach that. I also am now able to do a real pull-up unassisted. A goal I had and didn't think I had reached yet, until Keith made me face the bar head on in our last April bootcamp class. I also bought a pair of jeans in a size 0! A goal I never had in the first place but proved to be the eye-opening discovery of the month. I also had to throw away all my underwear because none of it would stay on. It's the true testament to how much I've lost over the whole time I've been training.
I'm looking forward to bootcamp this week since it might be the only movement I get in for my trip. I am sad I'll be missing our Saturday circuit, but hopefully I can convince my brother to let me into the university gym - sort of stoked to show him what I can do I think it's been 2 years since I've seen him!
It's no excuse to not keep up with the blog, but I just realized I said the end of April was almost here in my last post and we're in the second week of May. I promised progress pics and I'm not holding out, I just haven't had time. I know more excuses, but working out comes before a photo shoot and if I can't even get to the gym then you know I'm not setting up for pics.
I knew this would happen sooner or later. I had too good of a run living a semi normal life. As you all might have guessed my job is fairly demanding. It's always been too demanding no matter where I've worked, but it's the career path I've stuck with and I have to try to make everything work as best I can.
Sometimes I forget what exhaustion feels like. I know what tired is and sore, but exhaustion is something I forget about. It gets me depressed. When I don't have enough energy to even eat I know things are out of control.
It's been this way for about 2 weeks, hence why no blog postings. It sounds like I'm complaining and maybe in a small way I am, but mostly it's just because I'm down on myself because I can't get my body to perform the way I want to.
I know I've written posts before about motivation. A lot of people have asked me how I haven't fallen into a rut and how I've kept a constant loss the entire time I've been training. The simple answer is I love working out. I really do love it. I can see how someone who has put up a mental block against exercise would have trouble, but I don't really see working out as something I HAVE to do. I WANT to do it to. The problem is your body will tell you when too much is just too much. Usually it will get sick, least mine seems to do that when I push myself way too hard. It's almost like it's way of forcing me to slow down.
The bad part about exhaustion is I fight a mental battle with a physical one. Tonight, for example, I was all ready. I wrote out my plan for the gym, weights, reps, exercises, time. Everything all set - I was dressed I was hydrated and my metabolism had previously been primed and you know what my body wouldn't move. I just had to lay down, my legs were a 1,000 lbs. I got really upset over it because no matter how much my brain wanted to work out my body just wouldn't do it tonight.
Clint tried to tell me it's ok. He sees how frustrated I get when I don't get in a good workout. I feel like I do myself such a disservice when I don't use my body. He reminds me how hard I've been working, it's ok that I'm tired. I have after all worked an insane amount of hours and used a lot of energy just being creative for long periods of time. I know all of this is true, but not having control of my body feels like the worst thing in the world to me.
I'm very lucky to have a really supportive partner. Clint has been there every step. Every time I said I was feeling fat or sad about my progress. He's always encouraged me and told me how proud he is that I've stuck to something I felt was really important. He sees progress I don't see, he shows me changes in my figure and my strength. He's always love me no matter how I looked, but I think it's my determination he admires the most.
So tonight he reminded me that being tired is ok, that I'll recharge and be able to go to the gym another time. It makes times when I feel like this not so bad, and right now I do need that.
*****
This is going to be another rough week. Work is out of control and I'm leaving this Friday to fly out to Knoxville to watch my brother graduate from college. Seeing my brother is awesome it's the flying part I always have trouble with. I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people, my eating, sleeping and exercise will all be off and frankly my odds of a lowered immune system seem pretty high.
With all this I am still trying very hard to stay positive and focused.
I know this post doesn't sound it, but I am really happy with the progress I made in April (posted my updated stats on the side). I had a 2% loss in body fat which to me is another mountain, I'm so close to 15% now I hope by July I can reach that. I also am now able to do a real pull-up unassisted. A goal I had and didn't think I had reached yet, until Keith made me face the bar head on in our last April bootcamp class. I also bought a pair of jeans in a size 0! A goal I never had in the first place but proved to be the eye-opening discovery of the month. I also had to throw away all my underwear because none of it would stay on. It's the true testament to how much I've lost over the whole time I've been training.
I'm looking forward to bootcamp this week since it might be the only movement I get in for my trip. I am sad I'll be missing our Saturday circuit, but hopefully I can convince my brother to let me into the university gym - sort of stoked to show him what I can do I think it's been 2 years since I've seen him!
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