Hangups

I need to get over my hangups.

Man, it's been a very rough May. I'm trying really hard to adjust to all the changes that have been happening, but it's all happening so fast my only reaction is stress.

I'm use to routine, I like having one. So when life gets super insane for me I have trouble dealing with no routine. Terri has been really great in reminding our bootcamp class that fitness is what helps you deal with all the craziness in your life. Using your body and treating it with respect is what gets your brain through really trying times.

I love hearing her say things like this because it helps me focus again. I wish I had a little recording of the great things she says some times so I could just play them to help focus me again. I try to hear her voice when I feel really down about myself or my day, she's the best source of triumph in my life. She's helped me over come so many barriers.

Still with all the great encouragement and mentoring I get I still have mental hangups I need to work on.

It's hard to think about yourself in a different light when you were a certain way for a very long time. I didn't like the way I looked for almost 6 years, so now that my body it changing I can get a little obsessed.

Case in point, it's hard to think about me loving my body in a bikini still. It's hard for me to think I could wear a certain style of clothing or be an inspiration to others working hard to meet their fitness goals too. My brain has yet to catch up to my body. Which is really quite strange for me.

Yesterday Clint and I went shopping. Both of us need new treads for this summer since it's FINALLY warm now. Because I have dressed a certain way for so long, summer clothing always intimidates me. I know I wrote a post a month or so ago about how fun it is for me to be able to try on clothing and like how I look in it. It's true, but there are still things I get unsure about because I just don't really wear them.

Skirts and short dresses are probably the thing that terrify me the most. I have this mental block about my legs I just cannot get over. My whole life it's plagued me, more then my midsection or my arms or face or anything. My legs and I do not get along.

I tried a skirt on yesterday, it was really cute. Something I'd probably see on someone else and fall in love with. The problem was I felt awkward in it, not because it was uncomfortable, but because my legs were so exposed. I just kept turning around and freaking out about all my still existing cellulite. I kept thinking to myself "Do I look ridiculous in this?"

I should of bought it, it would have been a really great step toward excepting myself, but I couldn't. Even after I had gone to the gym that morning and muscled through an extremely tough glute/leg workout, it wasn't enough to boost my self-confidence.

I know a lot of women out there have body issues of some kind. Even with all my hard work and learning I still have mine too. I just hope I can get over them because I really truly hate being paralyzed by fear and doubt. I don't like the way it makes me feel and I know I'm better and stronger then my fears, it's just my brain needs to catch up.

Maybe I'll go back tomorrow and try the skirt on again. I'll bring my positive thoughts and a little bit of Terri's strong encouraging words.