Misfits & Gymscapades

I'm totally convinced I could write a book solely based on experiences and characters from my gym. It's a very small gym that's located in my building, for use only by the tenants and their guests. Even though I know almost nothing personal about most of the people I see there, I've named them according to personal traits & quirks. Sometimes I feel like I live in an episode of Seinfeld.

Let me start of by saying - no matter how quirky these people are, they are a least getting in a workout, well most of them....

Bear Man: I see this guy often, he's a regular and in fairly decent shape. He's of smaller stature which I think for some guys means they feel they need to over compensate on everything. This guy's form is terrible. He goes insanely heavy with crap form and tries to do every set as fast as humanly possible (probably because his limbs are going to rip off.) I'm actually waiting for this guy to hurt himself really badly, he's just asking for a serious muscle tear somewhere. If that wasn't amusing enough he makes these horrendously loud and guttural bear like scream/moan sounds. So loud I've actually seen the girl at the front desk jump out of her chair. I know that getting through the last few reps is hard, bodies are being taxed to their limit and if you're doing max weight of course your pushing yourself, making sounds is totally normal. However, Bear Man is crazy and wants attention. He has to show everyone how heavy he's lifting and how hard he's working, and has no problem making the sounds of someone being tortured & pleasured beyond their wildest dreams as loud as his lungs will let him. I try really hard to workout before Bear Man, it's very hard to concentrate and sort of uncomfortable with him around.

The Dudes: These guys only workout in the evening, which I'm really really thankful for. I do go to the gym at night on occasion but it's very rare. I'm usually to burnt to go at night and if I do it's mostly for cardio because a million people are there and I couldn't get any lifting done if I wanted to. The Dudes are 2 friends who go to the gym for guy bonding time. These guys don't really workout. They carry weights from one side of the gym to the other or half ass some other moves for a while, but really all they do is talk nonstop. If they used their inside voices it would be fine, but the gym is much louder at night because of all the machines running and sound system going. All these guys talk about is how much they gotten laid and how much they still are going after. Their sex conquests stories are as lame as you might imagine, one just trying to top the other over and over until they both feel it's time to leave the gym. They have no problem blatantly ogling fit female members of the gym and are just all around guys I'd like to sock in the face. While they're both probably mid 30's or older they sound like Beavis and Butthead mixed with the cast of the Jersey Shore and act just as lame.

Mr. Laptop:  I love seeing old folks at the gym. It really makes me feel good to know there are still people that age caring about their bodies, but Mr. Laptop is a conundrum to me. He's 60+, thick glasses and wispy white hair and always comes to the gym looking like he's ready for an extended airline flight. Coffee tumbler, laptop case, the New York times, and sometimes multiple books. He sets up everything in back corner of the gym and then gets on a stationary bike. Now I've seen multiple who read while "working out", but working on a laptop?! While I totally give this guy credit for adding movement to his day however little effort he puts into cycling I can't help but crack up. It takes a lot of effort to lug all that stuff in every morning to make it his own little office.

The Annoying Girlfriend: I've only seen this couple a few times, so I'm assuming by now this guy must have broken it off. He use to come to the gym to, you know, workout. Completely average, nothing crazy about him. The twist was his psychotic girlfriend use to show up with him only interested in hanging all over him and making a scene. She would complain he's was taking too long, text and call all her friends and repeat the same information to all of them and the best part..... she would sit in his lap while he was trying to lift. I kid you not, this girl was like a little monkey. Hanging on his back, tugging at his clothes, and sitting on top of him whenever possible. She would whine and whimper, until finally he'd give up and leave, dragging her behind him.

The Dedicated (yet ill-informed) Mom: I actually really like this woman, but she's dense as hell. I'm hoping after another month or two she'll really warm up and listen to me about a few things. I'm not an expert and I don't like telling people how they should work out, but when I see someone super dedicated and doing things wrong I want to help them. She's the only person who is there and opening up the gym with me every morning I'm there. She's really dead set on loosing the weight she gained from having two kids and I really admire her dedication to showing up that early each morning. She suffers however from misinformation. Draped over the treadmill hugging it for dear life, at a 90 degree incline, going much faster then anyone should at that steepness. I so want to tell her she's not really helping herself. While I'm sure her heart rate is up from nothing short of just getting pulled by your arms from the back of a pick-up truck, she's not getting a great workout. She's also terrified of lifting anything over a 3lb weight and can't understand that your shouldn't be eating McDonald's, ever. She's a super sweet woman, but so lost.

The Family of 5: I'm sort of a stickler for rules, especially when it comes to safety. I know this is a gym in a building that's all residence, but seriously who brings their 5 year old to the gym? There isn't a babysitting facility in our building, the gym has equipment and a small lap pool. While it might seem like a good idea to let your kids run around a gym while you workout, it's dangerous and annoying for the others there trying to exercise. To be honest I can't believe management has never said anything to these people, they must be friends or the building is just plain stupid and wants a lawsuit. They have a 5 yr old, a 7/8 yr old and a older child who could possible be 14 or 15 yrs old. Why the older child couldn't watch the younger ones or why both parents have to be there at the same time is unknown, but anyone comfortable with a 5 yr old running around a weight room shouldn't be allowed to procreate. They do go to the pool a lot, but it isn't a community pool, it's for training. I'd say with proper supervision (no lifeguard) if the pool was vacant, sure let your kids swim for awhile. But bringing them and letting them think they can crawl around on everything and run wild, no way.  I haven't said anything to management yet about them because I'm holding my tongue but next time there will be words.

The Stretcher: This guy believes in stretching, so much I want to tell him he should just do yoga. He's the guy that only jogs on the treadmill for 15 mins, but stretches a half hour or more before hand. I'm not by any means making fun of this guy I just always find it strange and his whole workout is stretching his hamstrings. Also instead of using the area of the gym dedicated to stretching, he uses the opposing treadmills so that no one on either side of him can use them, which I just find a little selfish.

The Habitually Injured Runner: I feel for this girl. She's in great shape, but she's always talking about parts of her that are broken. I have a feeling at one time she actually did marathons or trained to, but this girl's body just doesn't like her. I always hope she'll take up a less joint impacting activity. Her knees, ankles and hips just don't like her running, but she does it anyway. I admire her gusto, she really must love running and not care what her body is trying to tell her. I just hope she doesn't do any permanent damage.

Depressed Desk Girl: There a quite of few girls who run the front desk at our little gym and they are in constant rotation, but Depressed Desk Girl seems to be there the most. You can tell this girl hates her job, or maybe just the location of it. She's pretty overweight for her height and is in a place where the whole point is to take care of yourself. I always wondered why she would choose to work there, even understanding it might be the only thing she could get, and not take advantage of the facility herself. I guess I feel a little sorry for her. The only thing that bothers be about DDG is the fact that sometimes she brings in fast food into the gym and makes the whole place smell like grease. You know that smell of just "fried stuff". I'm really sensitive to smells and a number of times I've felt very ill. Nothing like taking a deep breathe for your last rep and getting the odor of fry grease.

The Hog: Every gym has one, every single one. A person that was probably an only child and never learned to share. Out of all the crazy people at my gym, this dude pisses me off. If he was just an ill mannered, entitled, equipment hog it would be one thing. But the fact that he's a chauvinistic pig makes it worse. This is the only person who has ever said anything negative to me at the gym. I'm glad this guy doesn't workout too much, or has a different schedule then I do, because if I had to see him everyday I'd be a mess. I believe in being flexible with your routine. When you're in a communal space you can't have everything to yourself or use a piece of equipment any time. This guy doesn't understand this. Not only will he bark at people that even come close to him, he's pulls out everything and leaves his stuff everywhere (I can only imagine what his apt. looks like). He also never has plan, often choosing to do 1 set of very random exercises or deciding in the middle of a set to just abruptly drop the weights on the floor. The one time I confronted him on when he'd be finished using the decline bench he gruffly told me "that women shouldn't bench press anyway because they'll loose their tits." To which I merely asked again when he'd be finished with it. I haven't seen this guy since that little incident, which is probably a good thing for both of us.