"Why?": A question I'm getting asked a lot these days.

I've been saying "No" to a lot of things lately. No to bad food, sweets, getting drunk, staying out super late and pretty much any situation that would lead me to unnecessary temptation.

I'm not compromising myself and because of this I have a few people saying I'm working too hard.

I get asked a lot why I put so much focus into training and eating healthy. People hear that you're doing it because you want to and they get really confused. "Are you doing a competition or race? Are you going to a wedding or a reunion or something? Why train hard just because?"

Why can't I have a competition with myself?

I'll tell you flat out that competing with your own mind is far superior then being compared to others. There are a lot of people out there who run fast, or can lift super heavy. I found I stick with something far longer if I DON'T try to out do someone else. I just try to outdo myself :)

Gaining inspiration from others is fantastic, but no one is going to motivate you more then you. Ladies you will never look like Ava Cowan, Jamie Eason or Zuzana Light, just like you'll never look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THEM. You don't have their genetics.

I'm not saying you can't train like them, become as fit or get down to their body fat percentage, but even if you achieve all this, you still will never look like them because you are you - EMBRACE THAT.

I train hard because it's the one way I try to love myself. I find that's a constant battle that's always uphill. I train hard because I know that no one, not family, friends or lovers will ever love me as much as my body loves me after hitting the iron as hard as I can. I train to show myself I'm stronger then I ever thought possible. I do it to overcome myself.

You want unconditional love, you want to feel amazing and have self respect? Then use your body and make it do what you want. It's control, respect and love all rolled up into an hour a day. Eating right is the fuel to do all the things you thought you never could. It supports that body you want to have and keep the results of the training you work so hard for.

I deserve to love myself that way and so does everyone else. I'll be damned if I let anyone try to take that away from me. I don't care how "un-fun" that makes me, no one gets to determine the way I show my body or myself love.

Things get hard. Just like everyone else I get depressed and slackerish. I second guess, I self loathe,  but eventually I realize that if I keep on top of training and eating well I'm doing something for myself.

It's natural to want a sibling/friend/partner that supports and drives you. The thing is you work with what you have. I'm always my own coach and fan club. I'm not saying I don't have people who root for me, or say "Hey that's really awesome what you're doing I wish I could do that," but they aren't there making me push myself.

I know I've said this before, but no one can disappoint you, but you. Everyday is a new one to show yourself you're dedicated to you. Not to your job, or to your bank account, not to the expectations of others... just YOU.

I train hard and I do it for me.

Mirror Mirror On the Wall

I know April is suppose to be rainy, but MAN it is out of control this year. The second we get a twinge above 50 degrees here in NYC the clouds roll in and the gray takes over.

I know I wrote about being excited for warmer weather because of all the nice things I get to do outside, but I'm also soooo ready to change my wardrobe. I feel like a character in an animated series, forced to be drawn walking NYC in my black boots, jeans and long hoodie under my leather coat. Don't get me wrong I like having a look sometimes, but I'm ready for light tanks, flats and cute skirts.

Which means soon I get to do more shopping!

Believe it or not I've never really liked shopping. My mother loves it and so does her sister, but I never was a big fan. I think the whole reason I didn't like it was because when I was a teen it was "popular" to hang at the mall and my friends and I were "anti" anything remotely popular. When I got into college I had no money. The years after graduation I worked up the career ladder and I got ever increasingly heavier. Shopping meant having to try things on in front of 3 reflections of myself.

I hated all mirrors and actually threw away the only full length one I ever owned as to not be forced to see what only made me upset. I was never in a mood to force myself into a small changing room with a giant 3-way.

I remember being in desperate need of new things and lamenting going into the dressing rooms, FULL of nothing but 3-way mirrors and bizarre overhead lighting. I can't tell you how many times I was almost brought to tears in the Macy's dressing room. I had stopped buying clothes all together 2 years ago until I was forced to go on a business trip where I needed more presentable attire.

Two weeks ago I decided to "go shopping". I'm not talking about needing one outfit for a certain event. I mean looking for a whole new wardrobe because nothing and I mean nothing I own fits me. I was so out of practice and completely clueless about sizes I must have spent a good 6 hours trying on clothes from every shop around Herald Square.

I was shuffling up to the dressing room in Forever 21 & HM with both arms full to the brim with different items, heading into my 4 x 4 room and letting out the sigh I always had when face with a 3-way mirror. This time though, even as the ever familiar dread and sickness in my stomach started to rise, I tried things on one at a time. To my surprise everything I choose was too big! I started to see that all my hard work over the past 8 months has been leading up to me absolutely loving trying on clothes.

*insert silly 80's movie girl shopping montage HERE*

No matter what is was I loved how I looked in it. I felt a depth of excitement I can barely explain in words. For the first time I was looking at a person in the mirror I was proud of. The 3-way mirror was not playing tricks, was not making me think I'd put on another 10lbs. For once it was showing me what I always wanted to see and I made that happen. Talk about an empowering experience.

Knowing there is no instant satisfaction for changing your body can be discouraging when you first start on the path, but seeing the results of long term work is a reward you will never get over. Instead of walking out of the dressing room in ultimate disappointment and feeling terrible for the rest of the day, I came home brimming with happiness and bags of cute clothes that flattered me.

I'm feeling braver, so much braver then I've ever felt. Getting psyched about 3-way mirrors might seem really trivial, but being able to let go of that fear and disappointment is a giant weight off my shoulders. I'm not afraid about trying new things. I can now shift my attention from my obsession with my legs to twirling around and admiring what all that sweating has done for me.

Call me insane, or vain, but I stood just looking at myself in that little 4 x 4 space smiling. Loving myself has been very hard for a very very long time. Now I understand that the love of yourself is completely connected with how you use your time, your body and mind all as one. Your self worth can't be high if you never use what you've been given. Treat your body like a waste and your mind will follow suit.

I can't love my body anymore then when I'm forcing what it can do to it's limit. It's a zen and state of being far beyond what I would call "spiritual".

After my epiphany in the dressing room I know I will never stop striving to keep a hold of that love, which means never giving up the desire to USE my body every day :)