I need to get over my hangups.
Man, it's been a very rough May. I'm trying really hard to adjust to all the changes that have been happening, but it's all happening so fast my only reaction is stress.
I'm use to routine, I like having one. So when life gets super insane for me I have trouble dealing with no routine. Terri has been really great in reminding our bootcamp class that fitness is what helps you deal with all the craziness in your life. Using your body and treating it with respect is what gets your brain through really trying times.
I love hearing her say things like this because it helps me focus again. I wish I had a little recording of the great things she says some times so I could just play them to help focus me again. I try to hear her voice when I feel really down about myself or my day, she's the best source of triumph in my life. She's helped me over come so many barriers.
Still with all the great encouragement and mentoring I get I still have mental hangups I need to work on.
It's hard to think about yourself in a different light when you were a certain way for a very long time. I didn't like the way I looked for almost 6 years, so now that my body it changing I can get a little obsessed.
Case in point, it's hard to think about me loving my body in a bikini still. It's hard for me to think I could wear a certain style of clothing or be an inspiration to others working hard to meet their fitness goals too. My brain has yet to catch up to my body. Which is really quite strange for me.
Yesterday Clint and I went shopping. Both of us need new treads for this summer since it's FINALLY warm now. Because I have dressed a certain way for so long, summer clothing always intimidates me. I know I wrote a post a month or so ago about how fun it is for me to be able to try on clothing and like how I look in it. It's true, but there are still things I get unsure about because I just don't really wear them.
Skirts and short dresses are probably the thing that terrify me the most. I have this mental block about my legs I just cannot get over. My whole life it's plagued me, more then my midsection or my arms or face or anything. My legs and I do not get along.
I tried a skirt on yesterday, it was really cute. Something I'd probably see on someone else and fall in love with. The problem was I felt awkward in it, not because it was uncomfortable, but because my legs were so exposed. I just kept turning around and freaking out about all my still existing cellulite. I kept thinking to myself "Do I look ridiculous in this?"
I should of bought it, it would have been a really great step toward excepting myself, but I couldn't. Even after I had gone to the gym that morning and muscled through an extremely tough glute/leg workout, it wasn't enough to boost my self-confidence.
I know a lot of women out there have body issues of some kind. Even with all my hard work and learning I still have mine too. I just hope I can get over them because I really truly hate being paralyzed by fear and doubt. I don't like the way it makes me feel and I know I'm better and stronger then my fears, it's just my brain needs to catch up.
Maybe I'll go back tomorrow and try the skirt on again. I'll bring my positive thoughts and a little bit of Terri's strong encouraging words.
Showing posts with label fearless. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fearless. Show all posts
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Mirror Mirror On the Wall
I know April is suppose to be rainy, but MAN it is out of control this year. The second we get a twinge above 50 degrees here in NYC the clouds roll in and the gray takes over.
I know I wrote about being excited for warmer weather because of all the nice things I get to do outside, but I'm also soooo ready to change my wardrobe. I feel like a character in an animated series, forced to be drawn walking NYC in my black boots, jeans and long hoodie under my leather coat. Don't get me wrong I like having a look sometimes, but I'm ready for light tanks, flats and cute skirts.
Which means soon I get to do more shopping!
Believe it or not I've never really liked shopping. My mother loves it and so does her sister, but I never was a big fan. I think the whole reason I didn't like it was because when I was a teen it was "popular" to hang at the mall and my friends and I were "anti" anything remotely popular. When I got into college I had no money. The years after graduation I worked up the career ladder and I got ever increasingly heavier. Shopping meant having to try things on in front of 3 reflections of myself.
I hated all mirrors and actually threw away the only full length one I ever owned as to not be forced to see what only made me upset. I was never in a mood to force myself into a small changing room with a giant 3-way.
I remember being in desperate need of new things and lamenting going into the dressing rooms, FULL of nothing but 3-way mirrors and bizarre overhead lighting. I can't tell you how many times I was almost brought to tears in the Macy's dressing room. I had stopped buying clothes all together 2 years ago until I was forced to go on a business trip where I needed more presentable attire.
Two weeks ago I decided to "go shopping". I'm not talking about needing one outfit for a certain event. I mean looking for a whole new wardrobe because nothing and I mean nothing I own fits me. I was so out of practice and completely clueless about sizes I must have spent a good 6 hours trying on clothes from every shop around Herald Square.
I was shuffling up to the dressing room in Forever 21 & HM with both arms full to the brim with different items, heading into my 4 x 4 room and letting out the sigh I always had when face with a 3-way mirror. This time though, even as the ever familiar dread and sickness in my stomach started to rise, I tried things on one at a time. To my surprise everything I choose was too big! I started to see that all my hard work over the past 8 months has been leading up to me absolutely loving trying on clothes.
*insert silly 80's movie girl shopping montage HERE*
No matter what is was I loved how I looked in it. I felt a depth of excitement I can barely explain in words. For the first time I was looking at a person in the mirror I was proud of. The 3-way mirror was not playing tricks, was not making me think I'd put on another 10lbs. For once it was showing me what I always wanted to see and I made that happen. Talk about an empowering experience.
Knowing there is no instant satisfaction for changing your body can be discouraging when you first start on the path, but seeing the results of long term work is a reward you will never get over. Instead of walking out of the dressing room in ultimate disappointment and feeling terrible for the rest of the day, I came home brimming with happiness and bags of cute clothes that flattered me.
I'm feeling braver, so much braver then I've ever felt. Getting psyched about 3-way mirrors might seem really trivial, but being able to let go of that fear and disappointment is a giant weight off my shoulders. I'm not afraid about trying new things. I can now shift my attention from my obsession with my legs to twirling around and admiring what all that sweating has done for me.
Call me insane, or vain, but I stood just looking at myself in that little 4 x 4 space smiling. Loving myself has been very hard for a very very long time. Now I understand that the love of yourself is completely connected with how you use your time, your body and mind all as one. Your self worth can't be high if you never use what you've been given. Treat your body like a waste and your mind will follow suit.
I can't love my body anymore then when I'm forcing what it can do to it's limit. It's a zen and state of being far beyond what I would call "spiritual".
After my epiphany in the dressing room I know I will never stop striving to keep a hold of that love, which means never giving up the desire to USE my body every day :)
I know I wrote about being excited for warmer weather because of all the nice things I get to do outside, but I'm also soooo ready to change my wardrobe. I feel like a character in an animated series, forced to be drawn walking NYC in my black boots, jeans and long hoodie under my leather coat. Don't get me wrong I like having a look sometimes, but I'm ready for light tanks, flats and cute skirts.
Which means soon I get to do more shopping!
Believe it or not I've never really liked shopping. My mother loves it and so does her sister, but I never was a big fan. I think the whole reason I didn't like it was because when I was a teen it was "popular" to hang at the mall and my friends and I were "anti" anything remotely popular. When I got into college I had no money. The years after graduation I worked up the career ladder and I got ever increasingly heavier. Shopping meant having to try things on in front of 3 reflections of myself.
I hated all mirrors and actually threw away the only full length one I ever owned as to not be forced to see what only made me upset. I was never in a mood to force myself into a small changing room with a giant 3-way.
I remember being in desperate need of new things and lamenting going into the dressing rooms, FULL of nothing but 3-way mirrors and bizarre overhead lighting. I can't tell you how many times I was almost brought to tears in the Macy's dressing room. I had stopped buying clothes all together 2 years ago until I was forced to go on a business trip where I needed more presentable attire.
Two weeks ago I decided to "go shopping". I'm not talking about needing one outfit for a certain event. I mean looking for a whole new wardrobe because nothing and I mean nothing I own fits me. I was so out of practice and completely clueless about sizes I must have spent a good 6 hours trying on clothes from every shop around Herald Square.
I was shuffling up to the dressing room in Forever 21 & HM with both arms full to the brim with different items, heading into my 4 x 4 room and letting out the sigh I always had when face with a 3-way mirror. This time though, even as the ever familiar dread and sickness in my stomach started to rise, I tried things on one at a time. To my surprise everything I choose was too big! I started to see that all my hard work over the past 8 months has been leading up to me absolutely loving trying on clothes.
*insert silly 80's movie girl shopping montage HERE*
No matter what is was I loved how I looked in it. I felt a depth of excitement I can barely explain in words. For the first time I was looking at a person in the mirror I was proud of. The 3-way mirror was not playing tricks, was not making me think I'd put on another 10lbs. For once it was showing me what I always wanted to see and I made that happen. Talk about an empowering experience.
Knowing there is no instant satisfaction for changing your body can be discouraging when you first start on the path, but seeing the results of long term work is a reward you will never get over. Instead of walking out of the dressing room in ultimate disappointment and feeling terrible for the rest of the day, I came home brimming with happiness and bags of cute clothes that flattered me.
I'm feeling braver, so much braver then I've ever felt. Getting psyched about 3-way mirrors might seem really trivial, but being able to let go of that fear and disappointment is a giant weight off my shoulders. I'm not afraid about trying new things. I can now shift my attention from my obsession with my legs to twirling around and admiring what all that sweating has done for me.
Call me insane, or vain, but I stood just looking at myself in that little 4 x 4 space smiling. Loving myself has been very hard for a very very long time. Now I understand that the love of yourself is completely connected with how you use your time, your body and mind all as one. Your self worth can't be high if you never use what you've been given. Treat your body like a waste and your mind will follow suit.
I can't love my body anymore then when I'm forcing what it can do to it's limit. It's a zen and state of being far beyond what I would call "spiritual".
After my epiphany in the dressing room I know I will never stop striving to keep a hold of that love, which means never giving up the desire to USE my body every day :)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Open Minded Goals - The Scale is NOT the End All be All
I want you all to know I am writing some posts about food. I haven't posted anything truly diet related yet because talking about food is complicated (not in general, just sometimes explaining it can be). I'm trying to be very thoughtful of the content of the posts so for right now they are still unfinished.
I mention this because I've gotten some inquires on my diet and I think it's just as important to talk about eating in general before going into what is working for me. So I just want to say, I'm in the process of writing some diet entries, just sit tight :)
************
Today's post is about goal setting.
Goals are something we use to measure success and failure in our lives. In fitness, however, as long as you are still participating, you really can't fail. It's the great thing about it. The only way you can fail at fitness goals is to stop being active.
That might sound strange, because most people's fitness goals are related to body image, which has stronger roots in nutrition. They think if they can't lose 10lbs in a month they've failed a fitness goal. Because of the instantaneous nature of everything in our lives, people will take time out the equation to reaching their accomplishments.
Our bodies are not instant. It took your mother 9 months alone just to create you, changing yourself takes time too!
The other thing about body related fitness goals, specifically weight related ones, are they are temporary. No matter how long it takes you, once you've lost your X amount of weight you've reached that goal. What else is there? This is why once you start an exercise regiment it's important to be more open minded about your goals then just reaching a certain weight.
I had tunnel vision when I started my new lifestyle. The scale was all that mattered to me. I wasn't even thinking about all the other things I was accomplishing. Then once I started losing weight I realized the scale wasn't always parallel to how I felt. Most women would tell you 140lbs is huge, but here I was fitting into a size 4 pair of jeans that was loose in the waist!
I really started changing my fitness goals after I lost 20lbs. I realized body fat % was more important then what the scale said. I started wanting to be stronger and wanting to accomplish harder exercises.
The great thing about fitness is while you get healthier and stronger, you might be accomplishing feats you're not even aware of. Mostly because you don't know you can do them until you try!
Perfect example: I am not a runner, in fact I dislike it. I find it boring in comparison to forms of exercise and I've never been very good at it. When I first started to exercise I could maybe, on a good day, run non-stop at a decent pace for 10 mins. About a month ago I was really tired, it was a week where I had hit the gym once. That night when I got home I felt terrible, but was going to force my body to do some cardio. I stepped on the treadmill for the 1st time probably 5 months and was shocked. Not only could I run at almost 6 mph, I did it for 40 mins without stopping.
That is a goal I never had, but because of my training in general it's something I know I can do now.
This is probably the most exciting thing about fitness. You become less afraid. I've gained so much confidence just from training I'm less afraid to try new things. I started to want to try things I could never do.
When I meet people's who only fitness goal is to lose weight for a certain time of year or a special event I worry they won't keep it up. It's not like once you lose weight it's gone forever, keeping up with nutrition & exercise means you don't have to go through that grueling first month ever again. Your life will have ups & downs, but if you work to at least try to keep your body stable when nothing else in your life is, getting through those times will be so much less stressful.
So if you're thinking the only thing that matters to you right now is what the scale is it's ok. It's natural (especially for us ladies) to try to fit our bodies it to this perception of perfect. All I can tell you is that the scale does not tell you how far you can run, or how much weight you can curl. It doesn't tell you what size jeans you are fitting into or how healthy you are. So don't place all your hopes and dreams into it.
Every day you decided to take care of yourself, you are coming closer to being a person you may never imagined you could be. I know, I still amaze myself every day :)
I mention this because I've gotten some inquires on my diet and I think it's just as important to talk about eating in general before going into what is working for me. So I just want to say, I'm in the process of writing some diet entries, just sit tight :)
************
Today's post is about goal setting.
Goals are something we use to measure success and failure in our lives. In fitness, however, as long as you are still participating, you really can't fail. It's the great thing about it. The only way you can fail at fitness goals is to stop being active.
That might sound strange, because most people's fitness goals are related to body image, which has stronger roots in nutrition. They think if they can't lose 10lbs in a month they've failed a fitness goal. Because of the instantaneous nature of everything in our lives, people will take time out the equation to reaching their accomplishments.
Our bodies are not instant. It took your mother 9 months alone just to create you, changing yourself takes time too!
The other thing about body related fitness goals, specifically weight related ones, are they are temporary. No matter how long it takes you, once you've lost your X amount of weight you've reached that goal. What else is there? This is why once you start an exercise regiment it's important to be more open minded about your goals then just reaching a certain weight.
I had tunnel vision when I started my new lifestyle. The scale was all that mattered to me. I wasn't even thinking about all the other things I was accomplishing. Then once I started losing weight I realized the scale wasn't always parallel to how I felt. Most women would tell you 140lbs is huge, but here I was fitting into a size 4 pair of jeans that was loose in the waist!
I really started changing my fitness goals after I lost 20lbs. I realized body fat % was more important then what the scale said. I started wanting to be stronger and wanting to accomplish harder exercises.
The great thing about fitness is while you get healthier and stronger, you might be accomplishing feats you're not even aware of. Mostly because you don't know you can do them until you try!
Perfect example: I am not a runner, in fact I dislike it. I find it boring in comparison to forms of exercise and I've never been very good at it. When I first started to exercise I could maybe, on a good day, run non-stop at a decent pace for 10 mins. About a month ago I was really tired, it was a week where I had hit the gym once. That night when I got home I felt terrible, but was going to force my body to do some cardio. I stepped on the treadmill for the 1st time probably 5 months and was shocked. Not only could I run at almost 6 mph, I did it for 40 mins without stopping.
That is a goal I never had, but because of my training in general it's something I know I can do now.
This is probably the most exciting thing about fitness. You become less afraid. I've gained so much confidence just from training I'm less afraid to try new things. I started to want to try things I could never do.
When I meet people's who only fitness goal is to lose weight for a certain time of year or a special event I worry they won't keep it up. It's not like once you lose weight it's gone forever, keeping up with nutrition & exercise means you don't have to go through that grueling first month ever again. Your life will have ups & downs, but if you work to at least try to keep your body stable when nothing else in your life is, getting through those times will be so much less stressful.
So if you're thinking the only thing that matters to you right now is what the scale is it's ok. It's natural (especially for us ladies) to try to fit our bodies it to this perception of perfect. All I can tell you is that the scale does not tell you how far you can run, or how much weight you can curl. It doesn't tell you what size jeans you are fitting into or how healthy you are. So don't place all your hopes and dreams into it.
Every day you decided to take care of yourself, you are coming closer to being a person you may never imagined you could be. I know, I still amaze myself every day :)
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