Hangups

I need to get over my hangups.

Man, it's been a very rough May. I'm trying really hard to adjust to all the changes that have been happening, but it's all happening so fast my only reaction is stress.

I'm use to routine, I like having one. So when life gets super insane for me I have trouble dealing with no routine. Terri has been really great in reminding our bootcamp class that fitness is what helps you deal with all the craziness in your life. Using your body and treating it with respect is what gets your brain through really trying times.

I love hearing her say things like this because it helps me focus again. I wish I had a little recording of the great things she says some times so I could just play them to help focus me again. I try to hear her voice when I feel really down about myself or my day, she's the best source of triumph in my life. She's helped me over come so many barriers.

Still with all the great encouragement and mentoring I get I still have mental hangups I need to work on.

It's hard to think about yourself in a different light when you were a certain way for a very long time. I didn't like the way I looked for almost 6 years, so now that my body it changing I can get a little obsessed.

Case in point, it's hard to think about me loving my body in a bikini still. It's hard for me to think I could wear a certain style of clothing or be an inspiration to others working hard to meet their fitness goals too. My brain has yet to catch up to my body. Which is really quite strange for me.

Yesterday Clint and I went shopping. Both of us need new treads for this summer since it's FINALLY warm now. Because I have dressed a certain way for so long, summer clothing always intimidates me. I know I wrote a post a month or so ago about how fun it is for me to be able to try on clothing and like how I look in it. It's true, but there are still things I get unsure about because I just don't really wear them.

Skirts and short dresses are probably the thing that terrify me the most. I have this mental block about my legs I just cannot get over. My whole life it's plagued me, more then my midsection or my arms or face or anything. My legs and I do not get along.

I tried a skirt on yesterday, it was really cute. Something I'd probably see on someone else and fall in love with. The problem was I felt awkward in it, not because it was uncomfortable, but because my legs were so exposed. I just kept turning around and freaking out about all my still existing cellulite. I kept thinking to myself "Do I look ridiculous in this?"

I should of bought it, it would have been a really great step toward excepting myself, but I couldn't. Even after I had gone to the gym that morning and muscled through an extremely tough glute/leg workout, it wasn't enough to boost my self-confidence.

I know a lot of women out there have body issues of some kind. Even with all my hard work and learning I still have mine too. I just hope I can get over them because I really truly hate being paralyzed by fear and doubt. I don't like the way it makes me feel and I know I'm better and stronger then my fears, it's just my brain needs to catch up.

Maybe I'll go back tomorrow and try the skirt on again. I'll bring my positive thoughts and a little bit of Terri's strong encouraging words.

Mirror Mirror On the Wall

I know April is suppose to be rainy, but MAN it is out of control this year. The second we get a twinge above 50 degrees here in NYC the clouds roll in and the gray takes over.

I know I wrote about being excited for warmer weather because of all the nice things I get to do outside, but I'm also soooo ready to change my wardrobe. I feel like a character in an animated series, forced to be drawn walking NYC in my black boots, jeans and long hoodie under my leather coat. Don't get me wrong I like having a look sometimes, but I'm ready for light tanks, flats and cute skirts.

Which means soon I get to do more shopping!

Believe it or not I've never really liked shopping. My mother loves it and so does her sister, but I never was a big fan. I think the whole reason I didn't like it was because when I was a teen it was "popular" to hang at the mall and my friends and I were "anti" anything remotely popular. When I got into college I had no money. The years after graduation I worked up the career ladder and I got ever increasingly heavier. Shopping meant having to try things on in front of 3 reflections of myself.

I hated all mirrors and actually threw away the only full length one I ever owned as to not be forced to see what only made me upset. I was never in a mood to force myself into a small changing room with a giant 3-way.

I remember being in desperate need of new things and lamenting going into the dressing rooms, FULL of nothing but 3-way mirrors and bizarre overhead lighting. I can't tell you how many times I was almost brought to tears in the Macy's dressing room. I had stopped buying clothes all together 2 years ago until I was forced to go on a business trip where I needed more presentable attire.

Two weeks ago I decided to "go shopping". I'm not talking about needing one outfit for a certain event. I mean looking for a whole new wardrobe because nothing and I mean nothing I own fits me. I was so out of practice and completely clueless about sizes I must have spent a good 6 hours trying on clothes from every shop around Herald Square.

I was shuffling up to the dressing room in Forever 21 & HM with both arms full to the brim with different items, heading into my 4 x 4 room and letting out the sigh I always had when face with a 3-way mirror. This time though, even as the ever familiar dread and sickness in my stomach started to rise, I tried things on one at a time. To my surprise everything I choose was too big! I started to see that all my hard work over the past 8 months has been leading up to me absolutely loving trying on clothes.

*insert silly 80's movie girl shopping montage HERE*

No matter what is was I loved how I looked in it. I felt a depth of excitement I can barely explain in words. For the first time I was looking at a person in the mirror I was proud of. The 3-way mirror was not playing tricks, was not making me think I'd put on another 10lbs. For once it was showing me what I always wanted to see and I made that happen. Talk about an empowering experience.

Knowing there is no instant satisfaction for changing your body can be discouraging when you first start on the path, but seeing the results of long term work is a reward you will never get over. Instead of walking out of the dressing room in ultimate disappointment and feeling terrible for the rest of the day, I came home brimming with happiness and bags of cute clothes that flattered me.

I'm feeling braver, so much braver then I've ever felt. Getting psyched about 3-way mirrors might seem really trivial, but being able to let go of that fear and disappointment is a giant weight off my shoulders. I'm not afraid about trying new things. I can now shift my attention from my obsession with my legs to twirling around and admiring what all that sweating has done for me.

Call me insane, or vain, but I stood just looking at myself in that little 4 x 4 space smiling. Loving myself has been very hard for a very very long time. Now I understand that the love of yourself is completely connected with how you use your time, your body and mind all as one. Your self worth can't be high if you never use what you've been given. Treat your body like a waste and your mind will follow suit.

I can't love my body anymore then when I'm forcing what it can do to it's limit. It's a zen and state of being far beyond what I would call "spiritual".

After my epiphany in the dressing room I know I will never stop striving to keep a hold of that love, which means never giving up the desire to USE my body every day :)

A New Love for Leg Day

I've haven't always loved days that I train lower body. It's by far the most difficult and has the largest muscle groups which in my case means tons of soreness.

In general I like feeling sore the day after a workout, it's a nice reminder that my body is repairing and I know I've gotten a decent workout. However, I also like walking. Being a resident of NYC means it's something I do a lot every day. So when I can't walk or go up and down steps with ease, it's a pain just to get around.

I also use to dislike leg day because I sit at a desk for most of my week. It's terrible and makes me very stiff; which in turn just makes me feel old and cranky. However my research and discovery of powder amino acids & L-glutamine tabs has turned me into a lower body workout lover. It's helped me leaps and bounds with on set muscle soreness and made so I'm regular sore and not walking like someone who has ridden a horse for 3 days.

I'm appreciating the connection I feel with the ground, sounds strange, but doing squats is so satisfying now I wish I didn't have to wait for muscle repair to do them. I enjoy cardio on the stair machine and as hard as walking lunges and step-ups are I'm actual get excited about them.

Here is what my workout was today, what are your favs on leg day?

• Super set (3 sets of):
  Squats 75lbs/12reps  *  Barbell Deadlift 70lbs/12reps  * Step-ups (each leg) 30lbs/12reps

• Super set (3 sets of):
  Cable leg raise 31lbs/12reps  *  Cable Abduct 18.75lbs/12reps  *  Cable Adduct 18.75lbs/12reps

• Leg Extension Machine (3 Sets) 50lbs/12reps

• Leg Curl Machine (3sets) 35lbs/12reps

• Super set (3 sets of):
  Bridge 25lb/25reps  *  Plié Squat 20lbs/20reps  *  Lunge (each leg) 30lbs/12reps

• End workout with 20mins of cardio on stair machine.